Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bartonella and Bad Behaviour

This is a difficult post for me to write.

I am struggling to find a balance between being godly through this trial and not feeling guilty over things beyond my control.
I am struggling with bad behaviour.  My brain feels like it is heavy and I am very easily overwhelmed when things get loud, disorderly or stressful around me.  I am short tempered and have found myself yelling at my children or my husband and then sobbing immediately afterwards with remorse for how I am treating them.  I have asked God to help me with this, to give me peace and calm in my brain.  So far, He has chosen not to do so and I am noticing the symptoms in my brain getting worse.  Apparently  (some of?) these symptoms are caused by the co-infection Bartonella, which infects the brain.  We are not currently treating Bartonella directly, but as the other infections are getting attacked, Bartonella has the opportunity to become more active.  I am not able to hold long conversations without getting exhausted and feel a very strong urge to take a nap after attempting to read a story to my children.  So I get frustrated, and irritated at them during an activity such as reading that I formerly enjoyed participating in.  I love reading.  I always have.  I now read a paragraph at night to induce sleep.....Need another example?  I became frustrated the other day while doing a craft with the kids because they were requiring too much of me and asking for my help when I had no strength or energy left to give. I have always loved doing crafts with the kids, and the joy that it brings them makes all effort worth it.... or so it used to be.....

So - where does my responsibility to act in a Christian manner begin and end?  What can I blame on the Bartonella and the affects of treatment and what is simply sin that needs to be uprooted?  We are told in the James 4:1 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but you don't get it (or you get something that you don't want)" 

 I recognize my desires - to have peace and quiet, to be done with this disease, to rest and recover, to be free of the responsibility of taking care of myself 24/7, to return to 'normal' life and eat and drink things that I enjoy, to socialize again, to sleep properly, to have physical strength and energy....etc.... This means, in the instances when I behave badly, I am not getting what I want, and my response to not getting my way is producing a crop of thorns in my life.  I am thankful there is unlimited forgiveness for a sinner like me...
 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Please pray specifically for my family and I, that we will receive grace to accept all aspects of this disease from God's hand, and that I may respond with love and patience when things become overwhelming for me.  It tears me up that my children and husband are suffering because I cannot seem to control my bad behaviour.  If I ever had trouble pinpointing sin in my life, I certainly do not now.  Lord, please forgive me, and let me begin each hour anew (I have shifted from needing daily strength to hourly or per minute strength...) Another lesson, God is at work here.....                                                  
                             Thank-you for all the encouraging cards you have sent!

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.…" 1 Peter 4:12

My beautiful fairy princess turned five this week.  Happy birthday Alanah!!

1 comment:

  1. I bumped into your hubby this past Saturday......it was nice to catch up. I told him I follow your blog, yet are hesitant to comment due to the fact that I am somewhat of a "stranger" to you. However, after reading this post of yours, I had to comment: it is certainly a post I could have written, except it would not have the words "Bartonella" or infection or disease included in it. Just my straight sinful nature. I do believe teaching kindergarten for 10 years sucked all my patience out of me, and now that I have my own children, it is a prayer of mine everyday to gain some back. On a more serious note though, we continue to pray for you, Eric and your little ones. We pray that our Heavenly Father will provide you with what you need. What a comfort it is to know, that no matter our behaviour, He will not let go of us. He loves you too much. May you continue to seek Him in all things, and that you may awake each day knowing you will receive new mercies everyday (or hour ;o) PS Your daughter is beautiful.