Guilt

June 24th 2014

I am beginning to feel guilty as it sets in that this treatment will very likely provide a cure for me.  There are several reasons for this guilt. 

1.Why do I doubt God's love for me?
I have been confused about the way God works and have had a heart of unbelief in some of God's attributes.   I have not believed God to be a loving Father but began to view Him more as a harsh disciplinarian.

I trust that all things work for the good of those who love Him.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

My struggle has been that I have not felt that God is concerned with our happiness here on earth but merely making sure we learn all of our lessons so that we become spiritually mature.  

"These (trials) have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."  1 Peter 1:7

There has been a niggling doubt in the back of my mind these past years that God would want me to be healed - I felt like I was ok with that but began to wonder what other things He was going to take away from me.  I realize that I never expected kindness in the form of healing (for my relationships or my health) from Him.  God is proving (to my shame) that He is able to do abundantly more than we can hope or imagine - not just eternally but also in this life when it is within His will.  

``Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, for ever and ever!`` Eph 3:20

  2. Why has He given me the opportunity for healing, why now?
So why does He choose for me to have the hope of healing now (at the same time not granting it to others who long even more fervently than I did for healing)?  There are many others for whom we continue to pray for God to grant the mercy of healing and relief from suffering.  I have not arrived at an answer but I will share with you a little of what I am learning.  I would also recommend for those of you who are suffering and searching to take a peak at the books I have listed on this blog.  You will find them to be helpful and encouraging during your times of struggle as they point you upward and forward.  

An age old question - WHY? The mystery of suffering has been a question that has plagued believers for many years.  We are given a glimpse into the questions of the human heart during suffering in the book of Job. Gods answers are also very striking..... For now, from our limited view we need to be content to rest in the capable hands of an Almighty Father. I heard recently that God will only give us what we would have asked for if we knew everything that He knows.  That is why we go forward and continue to battle on with trust and faith that the One who started a good work in us will complete it, to His glory.  

We know why God sends trials - "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:4-5

We know WHO God is:  It is hard to believe sometimes that God is fully in control of every detail of our lives and has our best interest in mind.  We can believe it because we know, believe and trust in the Character of God.  God is Sovereign over every aspect of our lives. When we lead with our knowledge of God instead of our feelings about our circumstances we are much more confident to rest in His Sovereignty.  

We learn to trust when we do not feel:  I have learned that Joy, Peace and Contentment are not based in feelings but rather in knowledge.  We are not given a map of God's plans and purposes but we know for sure from His Word that His ways are far above our knowledge, His paths beyond tracing out.  We also know that He is Good, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Compassionate, Abounding in Love.  We cannot rely on what we experience or feel to be the judge of what is right and true.  So when we lose our hope and doubt that God is actively at work in our circumstances, we need to engage our faith to trust in our knowledge of WHO God has revealed Himself to be in His word.  Because we trust His word, we can also trust the promises that He has given us, especially during times when we don`t feel His nearness or His love.

``May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.`` Romans 15:13

God has a plan in my healing also - I am not sure yet what or why.  May He give me the grace to be worthy of the gift of renewed health! Immediately I realize that I will never be worthy of that either, but may Gods grace through Christ continue to cover for my ungratefulness should I become accustomed to the joys of health and physical strength and ability.  I am excited for the new direction this possibility of health steers me in.  May it be for God's glory and the benefit of others and not my own pleasures, advancements or pride.

Please pray for a blessing on this treatment.  The side effects of treatment are nasty but bearable.  I understand that this could be a long process (average time before remission is about 2 years) and it could re-occur again in future years.  For now we are again reminded to take one day at a time.  God's has promised that He will provide daily for the needs of each day.

With love and thanks for all of your prayers, help with sitting and meals, finances, driving me to and from appointments (been so nice to have the company of my niece Nic) etc. etc. etc.

Roze